Monday, October 26, 2015

Screw the cow.

With more women reading my blog, come more questions about post-divorce dating.  Now I am no expert unless you count going on countless first dates as qualification for a PhD in dating. Ok, so maybe I am an expert.  But I am also an unapologetic expert.  I am blunt and to the point as we should all be about post-divorce dating.  We aren't in our twenties any more and with custody schedules in place, we only have so many days for dating.  So ladies, and men, we need to take advantage of these fleeting moments.

Post-divorced dating comes with far fewer rules than pre-marriage dating.  Remember that old saying 'Why would he buy the farm if he can get the milk for free?'  Doesn't apply any more.  Actually shouldn't have applied then either, but that's a whole different post.  But I want to answer the question many of you have asked me.  'How soon is too for for sex in the post-divorce dating world'?

The short answer is, 'It's never too soon for sex post-divorce'.  First date, he's cute, he's nice, he seems half way normal - go for it.  Why should you deprive yourself of the pleasure of having sex because you have some twisted idea in your head that if you hold out he will respect you and therefore want to date you?  What if, just what if, he respected you for doing what you want, when you want, and how you want.  Now that would be a novel idea.

Ladies, you know as well as I do, that you have decided less than five minutes in on your date whether you would sleep with him, let alone go on a second date.  Chances are he is thinking the same thing.  He's also out with you and not a twenty something for a reason.  And that reason is you are smart, attractive and have lived a little.  So if after a dinner and some drinks you want to have some fun, he will respect that too.  Because at this stage in the dating game there is no such thing as easy or slutty.  No, now it is confident and self assured.

We don't have the time to waste on six or seven dates spread over several weeks because of the every other weekend custody schedule, to find out if his penis is really worth hanging around for.  We really need that information up front.  Be greedy and get those stats quickly.  And if after the second or third date and some decent sex, you realize this guy isn't for you, hey at least you had some fun along the way.

Post-divorce dating is not about depriving yourself so you can get married again.  It's about setting your standards so when you do marry again, it's for all the right reasons, including penis size.  Post-divorce dating is about you.  It's about you having fun, experimenting, throwing caution to the wind (ok not all the way, please be safe) and saying ' I don't care what anyone thinks, I am going to date who I want, sleep with who I want, and break up with who I want'.  Because you know what you want now and you are not willing to settle.  

Be proud of all the sex you are having.  Your married friends are so very jealous, I guarantee it.  Go have some fun.  You deserve it.  And then when you find that soul mate you will have no regrets on your second dating go-round.  Be the slut you were always dying to be but too afraid.  Post-divorce dating holds no shame.  Trust me on this one.  After all I am divorced and have dated.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

SEX...and the custody schedule

You can judge a perfect post-divorce date by the lack of baggage your date has, the wit, the intellect and of course the matching custody schedules.  Even before the first date, divorced people have to make sure their custody schedules match.  It's not even worth trying to go on the first date if you have your kids opposite weekends.  You will forever be arguing with your ex to switch days or trying to sneak in time together over lunches and coffees.  And your sex life will suck.  Actually it will be non-existent.  And then you will be very, very sad.

But let's say your custody schedules do match up and you like each other and you want to have a relationship that involves way better sex than you ever had with your ex.  So how do you find that balance?  Well chances are if you are divorced, and you have found someone new, the sex is WAY better than you ever remember your married sex life to be.  Why is that?  Well first of all you are older, wiser and know what you want.  You know how to verbalize your desires and chances are you are much more experimental.  You realize that you have been given a second chance and dammit, you aren't going to blow it having mediocre sex.  

But what you are going to do is have to wait four or five or sometimes seven days to have sex.  And then after that, wait again.  Because well....custody.  You have your kids.  He has his kids,  The kids have social activities, they have sporting activities, you have your ex who needs you to cover for their night even though you planned on having sex.  So you wait.  You text each other about sex.  You FaceTime each other about sex.  You plan for the next time you see each other and have sex.  

And then there are the evenings when you have decided to blend the families and after all the kids are in bed, you start to go at it and your eldest child texts you asking you to keep it down.  Not that I am speaking from any sort of real life experience or anything.  

So how do you sustain?  Well honestly the custody schedule may work in your dating favor.  Imagine if you were together every night, coming home from work, dealing with kids homework, dinner, dishes and bedtime and then trying to stay awake and be sexy for your partner.  Wait a minute, that's marriage.  And you aren't married anymore.  So the evenings you have with your lover are just for the two of you.  You still wear matching lingerie and put make up on your face.  You go out to dinner and let someone else clean up the mess.  And then when you get home there are no kids to worry about waking you up in the morning, so you can stay up all night having sex.

So dating with kids and custody schedules actually works to keep the romance alive.  Don't push the envelope.  Enjoy the anticipation.  While the down time may be painful, the up time is worth the wait. One day all those kids will be grown up.  One day you may move in together.  One day you may even get married.  And these special moments may slip away.  Just make sure your kids can't hear you. And perhaps keep them from reading your text messages (again, might not be speaking from real life experience).  And enjoy your sex life for what is.  Trust me I know what I am talking about.  After all I am divorced and dating.