Wednesday, October 9, 2013

While you were sleeping.

Maybe I am too picky.  Or maybe I am unrealistic.  Or maybe I sometimes live in a parallel universe.  I know what I want and I definitely know what I don't want.  And I am pretty sure it is not too much to ask that the man I date at least be somewhat familiar with popular culture and not completely bizarre.  Or either he should be normal and not familiar with popular culture.  Or bizarre and  familiar with popular culture. But being both bizarre and living under a rock is not quite as appealing one may think.

So this was my most recent date.  He suggested a lovely walk in the woods.  It was a beautiful day, so why the hell not.  Although the extremely adorable outfit I had picked out; skirt, strappy heels and a low cut shirt, would obviously not work.  I am adaptable.  Cropped jeans, cute hiking shoes (or Coach sneakers I got on sale at DSW) and of course a low cut shirt, would work just as well.  So walk we did. We started down the path, talking away as two divorced people will; about our divorces, our kids, the horrors of dating.  He on my right side, bumping hands 'accidentally' and enjoying the weather.  But then after a few steps, he moved from the right side of me to the left side.  I thought it odd, but kept walking. Was there evil lurking on my left side that he was attempting to protect me from?  As we moved deeper into the woods, we stopped to admire some plants.  Once again, we resumed walking and he was on my right side.  Suddenly he burst ahead, sprinting,  in order to make it back on my left side.  I slyly sniffed my right armpit to see if perhaps I smelled.  No.  That wasn't it.  When we got to where we were going to turn around, once again he ended up on my right hand side.  Jogging slightly, he maneuvered to get on my left side one more time.  Now I had to know.  Was this accidental or on purpose?  I stopped to point out some fascinating vegetation and made sure when we started walking again that he was on my right hand side.  Seconds later he managed to work his way over to my left hand side....again.  I stopped dead in my tracks.

Looking at him I asked, 'Why?  Why must you be on my left hand side?'  He looked at me blankly and replied 'Because I am right hand dominant.'  Is this a thing?  Is he preparing to strangle me with his right hand?  Karate chop me at a moments notice? I side step a little further away from him.  But now I am also determined  to stand on the other side.  Try as I might, his damn dominant right hand keeps me in place.

We make our way to dinner.  Luckily we sit across from each other so I don't have to worry about being stabbed by a knife in that dominant right hand.  The conversation turns to television and movies.  And that is when he says 'The Princess Bride, never heard of it'.  And of course I laugh because he must be joking.  But horribly, he isn't.  It isn't that he has never seen 'The Princess Bride'.  He has actually never heard of it.  He writes it down to 'check it out'.  So I say, 'Ok, what is your favorite movie?'  He smiles and tells me I will totally agree with him.  He has two favorites.  He chirps, 'Grownups' and then he follows up with 'The even better Grownups 2'.   I am stunned into silence.  Luckily the food comes and I stuff it in my mouth to avoid speaking.  How can that be his favorite movie out of all the movies ever made?  Ever.  In the whole world.

But I can't help myself.   He must be kidding about his favorite movie.  He must be kidding about his lack of awareness of popular culture.  I must know more.  I ask him if he has heard of 'The Bourne Identity'?  Nope.  'Die Hard'?  Nope.   'Breaking Bad'?  He heard mention of it but can't remember where.  So I stop eating, put down my fork, look directly in his eyes and say 'Were you in a coma for a really long time?'  He then says, 'I have two tickets to see Depeche Mode if you are interested'.

And that is when I know it is over.  His answer to my coma question was 'no'.  Maybe his possessed dominant right arm wouldn't allow him to go to the movies or watch television or notice the world around him.  Either way, it would be far too hard for me to fight the arm for control and there is clearly too much lost time to make up for.  So, check paid, I turn to him and say 'Have fun storming the castle'.  Door closed.  Moving on because after all I am divorced and single.

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