Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Phone sex and the younger man

So I have never had phone sex.  There I said it.  I am 43 and I never had phone sex.  I think it is because I assumed I would laugh and laugh instead of putting on my sexy, sultry voice and getting into the action.  It just seemed like one of those things that was going to be awkward, uncomfortable and all together weird. But this is the new me.  The me that is going to experience all life has to offer.  Even if I have to suppress my laughter to get through it.  But who would my poor test guinea pig be and would he be able to play along.  It would have to be someone I would never, ever see in person.  Someone I would never consider to be a potential date.  Someone, someone....someone much younger.  And there he is.

Twenty four years old and hitting on me.  Am I flattered?  Nah, not really.  I am actually a little creeped out.  Why would a twenty four year old hit on me?  What does he have to gain?  I asked him.  He told me he was looking for sex with a mature woman.  Mature?????   Isn't that just another way to say old?  I am almost ready to shut this down.  But no, for the sake of science, I will muster on.  I pretend to be very interested in this child and what he does.  I ask him why he thinks I would want to be with a twenty four year old rather than someone closer to my own age.  He claims he comes with no baggage.  Oh, baby, I say, everyone has baggage, it just matters whether it is carry on or has to be checked.  And clearly this boy has some Mommy issues.  He also claims he can please me sexually like no other man.

Now think back to when you were twenty four.  What kind of sexual experience had you had.  Even if you started having sex young, really, what is it you knew about sex?  And if you are a twenty four year old boy, really what is your end goal?  Is it to make sure your lady companion is completely satisfied?  I am thinking no.  Now yes, I am generalizing, there are very mature twenty four year old boys out there.  I am just noticing that this guy is not one of them.  But I play on.  I tell him I want him to take control.  I want him to be in charge. He claims he is up to the task at hand.  I tell him I will call him the next evening.

The next evening arrives.  I am not sure I can do this.  I am already having a hard time holding back the giggles.  My boy emails me with his phone number.  I email him back telling him I want no small talk - I need him to jump right into action.  I worry if he actually starts talking to me I will lose it.  I block my phone number, dial his and sit back.  What to expect?  How will this go?  Will I have to say things?  Will I have to be serious?  And then he is there.

Hi baby - is what he says to me.  Ok, here we go.  I say hi back.  And then we begin.  He asks me if I am lying naked in bed.  I lie and say I am.  Honestly, I am sitting fully clothed on my couch, tv muted, '30 Rock' playing in the background.  He then launches into what he thinks is his best material.  It involves squeezing parts of my body and rubbing others.  I yawn.  Then I remember, he is only twenty four.  I need to help this boy out.  I tell him what I want.  He pauses, silenced by my forthrightness.  But then he starts up again.  He is getting better.  But I am doing too much work here, coaxing him to say the right things.  Then he tells me I am a good girl.  I am his good girl.  From a man of a certain age, success and authority this line may work.  But from a boy young enough to be my son, this is making me laugh.  I swallow the giggle and tell him he is making me hot.  He continues to describe what he wants to do to/with me.  It starts to get redundant.  We get to what I tell him is the end.  '30 Rock' is over, so I tell him  his work is done.  He wants to know if he satisfied me.  Oh yes, I lie.  He was the best phone sex I have ever had.

And then he wants to talk.  About me.  He wants to know my name.  He doesn't know my name!  For some reason I find that hilarious.  I tell him we should just keep this focused on the task at hand.  He seems sad about that.  My poor little boy.  He wants to meet me.  He wants to  know if I have roommates.  Oh twenty four year old, you are so cute.  Roommates.  That makes me laugh out loud.  He asks if I will call him again.  I tell him I will have to think about it. My boy tells me he knows he could make me happy.  I tell him he already made me so happy but now, as I am very old, I must go to bed.  He says sadly says goodnight.

So phone sex....could be fun but perhaps for me it takes a man of a certain age, experience and authority to pull it off.  Younger men......nah.  It is just far too much work to make them into the men they need to be.  They are so eager, so naive and so inexperienced.  My boy meant well but the fact that I had to tell him what to say means that really I could have just sat on my couch and talked dirty to myself.  Which also would have made me laugh.  Will I have phone sex again?  Absolutely.  Will I have it with a much younger man, I think not.  While I was flattered to be contacted by such a young boy, I am not really interested in someone who wasn't born when I graduated from high school.  I need a man who  experienced the 80's not just learned about it through 'Hot Tub Time Machine'.  Phone sex, yes.  Phone sex with a boy, no.  Because after all I am 43 and single.

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