Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Past was a Long Time Ago.

Date three from Match.com finds me meeting a man who did not post a picture but instead sent me a video of himself. Red Flag number one.  He claimed he did not have one single picture of himself without his daughter in it.  I am pretty sure you can crop those things but what the hell, I'll look at the video.  It is a video of this man we will call Dan, in a gym, holding a giant stick and lunging back and forth.  It is hilarious.  And made even more so by the fact that I have turned the volume down and added my own dialogue.  Things like 'I will woo you with may ability to take a broom handle and jab it back and forth over and over'.  I am intrigued.  Who is this man who can parry and lunge with the best of them?  But I am also scared.  The video is slightly blurry and the man is shot from a distance, presumably so the camera man would not be stabbed.  But if I squint my eyes, he looks fit, has thick dark hair and and seems ok.  My standards are not very high.

Dan and I email back and forth a few times.  He says he owns some fitness gyms.  I see free pilates classes in my future.  He says he gained a couple of pounds since his divorce but is actively working to get back to parrying and lunging shape.  Ok, a couple pounds is fine.  Free pilates classes.  He says he used to play Lacrosse in college.  I pretend to be impressed.  I really don't care about what you did in college.  Wasn't that a long time ago?  I used to play beer pong in college.  Do you think he would be impressed by that?  He says we should meet for coffee.  I agree.  Why wouldn't I agree.  After all he played lacrosse in college, owns gyms, packed on a few pounds and can wield a large stick with grace.

So what is your definition of a couple of pounds?  Mine is somewhere between 10-20.  Especially on a tall man.  Clearly I should have had him define 'a couple of pounds' before we met.   I think Dan's definition of a couple of pounds is somewhere between 100-150 pounds.  Dan is enormous.  His arms are bigger than my thighs.  And my thighs are 42 year old, popped out two kids, can't motivate to get on the elliptical machine in the family room thighs.  And his hair is thick but graying.  And he has not brought his large stick.  I am disappointed.  But I am also open minded.  And desperate.  So I stay.

Dan tells me he is a Libertarian.  I am not sure that this is first date talk.  In fact I am not sure what a Libertarian is.  Luckily for me, Dan proceeds to tell me and try to convince me that I too should be a libertarian.  I promise him I will look into it.  He then tells me what a great boss he is and how he listens to his employees but only if they make a valid argument.  But isn't he the boss so isn't he the one who judges the validity of the argument?  Yes, he says.  Then he starts talking about Lacrosse...

I was never a team sport girl.  I played tennis, and rode horses.  Solo sports all the time.  I didn't play soccer, field hockey or lacrosse.  I don't really care all that much about them.  And I really don't care if you played it 20 years ago in college.  But Dan cares.  He cares a lot.  He played, breathed and lived lacrosse.  He made it to the final four.  He mentions this numerous times.  I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't know what the final four is.  I assume it is important but my final four reference only goes as far as the tv show 'Survivor'.  Dan can't get past lacrosse.  My coffee is cold.

But then the nail is placed in the coffin.  Dan tells me about his fabulous attorney.  The one he used for his divorce.  I ask her name.  Yup - it is my ex husband's attorney.  And yes, Dan knows my ex-husband and yes Dan introduced my ex-husband to his attorney.  I think we are done here.  I head to the  bathroom, text a friend to call my cell asap.  Once returning to the table my cell rings and I must run.  I say good bye to Dan, being careful not to get squashed by his few extra pounds.  And I am off.  I am feeling awfully cynical at this point.  Is no one what they say they are?  Or am I just too damn picky?  I am not sure but maybe it is the caffeine talking but I will date again.  I will find someone who at the very least describes themselves accurately.  I will go out again because after all I am 42 and single.

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