Monday, September 12, 2011

Paging Dr.Text...Dr. Text

And we are back.  I did take a dating hiatus.  I felt like I needed to take a break from all the fun I was having and sober up.  So I cleaned house.  Defriended some 'friends' and canceled my subscription to Match.com.  I spent the summer months looking at the left hands of handsome men and wondering if they just weren't wearing their wedding rings or were really single.  Of course they didn't notice me as I wandered by in my dirty sweatpants, my hair up in a messy bun.   Perhaps I wasn't going about this right.  Perhaps I needed to start all over.  Yes, I will have a different attitude fueled my many margaritas in the summer sun.  I will find love or at least a good date. 

I rejoined Match.com.

Pathetic.

But wait.  I am going about it with a new and improved attitude.  I will take off my snotty hat and put on my accepting hat.  I will consider men who may not be the most attractive.  I will consider men who live in towns I don't love.  I will consider men who describe themselves as athletic and toned but have profile picture revealing their beer belly.  I will think outside the box and I will find a decent man.  I will put myself out there, taking all the rejection I can stomach in order to succeed.

But I don't have to wait long.  A man has emailed me.  Not physically my type but the new me says' look past that'.  He is a doctor, he lives nearby, he has kids and he likes the outdoors.  Ok, so if you know me you know my version of the outdoors is sitting on my butt on a beach chair, but hell, for love I will climb a rock or two. 

We email and exchange phone numbers.  I tell him I cannot speak until two days later as I want to present my best self and interrupting a phone conversation to yell at my kids to 'shut the hell up' does not put me in the best light.  He tells me that is fine.  But then he starts texting me.  A lot.  Texts that read 'Just running some errands and then heading home.'  I am perplexed.   Did we go out already?  Are we a couple?  And it isn't just one text, it is a lot of texts.  And then he starts calling.  I don't answer because my kids are roaming nearby.  The messages are 'Just driving and thought I would call.'  Hold on.  This is a little intimate for never having met.  But this is the new dating me and I will go out with him.

We finally speak on the phone.  Hmmmmm.  It was fine.  Not great but fine.  He doesn't like the beach.  I love the beach.  He likes to hike and bike.  I like to ride in a car.  He is 6'2".  I am 5'3".  But opposites attract right?  We make a plan to meet but sadly the only time I can meet him is post a Selena Gomez concert with my daughter.  That puts us getting together at 11pm.  But what the hell.  It is the new me. 

The night of the concert arrives.  But wait let me go back a week.  Dr. Text has texted me about 400 times since our call.  I am a little freaked out.  I mean I am all for texting but usually with someone I know.  But I am still planning on seeing him.  Concert night comes.  Outdoor concert.  In the pouring rain.  Selena sings her little heart out.  Dr. Text texts me about 27 times during the concert.  I finally text back saying I will let him know when I am leaving.  I bolt out of the concert, go home, dry myself off and rush off to meet Dr. Text.  As I am driving to the date, he texts me to tell me where he is sitting.  Then he texts me to ask me what I want to drink.  Dude!  Enough.

We meet.  He is really tall.  He is really thin.  My ass is twice the size of his.  Three of his legs equal one of my thighs.  I am not happy.  But I am open minded.  We start to talk.  I start to drink.  I am soooooo tired.  He does not eat red meat.  I am slightly horrified.  He doesn't like pets.   Ugh.  I order another beer.  I begin to wonder what it would be like to kiss a man so tall.  How would I do it?  Stepladder?  And if I wrapped my arms around him could I touch my shoulders.  Is he really that thin?  And what is that shirt he wearing?  Stop it.  This is the new me.  I will give him a chance.  Finally 2am comes and I am delirious with sleep and beer.  I need to go home.  He leans across the table and says 'I would really like to see you again'.  Ok.  I will do this.  We hug goodbye.

And that is all.  Suddenly no more texts.  I worry that he has fallen off his bike and has been run over.  How will I know when he is running errands?  I realize I have become accustomed to his texts.  But I need to let go.  I think he may have lied to me when he said he wanted to see me again.  Maybe in my sleepy haze I mis-heard him.  Maybe he said 'I would really not like to see you again'.  Hey Dr. Text...text this!   I don't need your daily updates.  I don't need to know you are headed to your parents for dinner.  I don't need to know you are picking up your dry cleaning.  You are on your own Dr. Text.  I can live without you Dr. Text because after all, I am 42 and single.



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