Friday, June 4, 2010

Mitch Bytes

Memorial day weekend. Sun and fun at the beach. And of course a text from my high school crush. It had only been about five months since I had heard from him and texting is his preferred way of communicating. After a brief back and forth about his weekend and how awesome it was, I decided I had enough. The best way to cut him off? Send him a text telling him that I was around all summer if he wanted to get together. Suddenly my phone is silenced. He was gone. Frightened away. I think I might be his virtual girlfriend. But really, do I need that?

Then my cousin got engaged...again. This will be wedding number three. Three men who at one time wanted to be married to her. And of course my mother found a way to turn this into a rant about how my cousin can date, why can't I? She insisted I call my cousin to say congratulations. 'And do it soon' is what she said. So I called my cousin, "Congrats on your third engagement'. And then I knew it was a set up. Instantly my cousin was telling me how she met her fiance on and how wonderful online dating was and how I should jump right in. I stopped her dead in her tracks. Had she been put up to this? She confessed. Mother. The woman is unstoppable.

But maybe there is something there. I mean it is not as if my plan of working, hanging out with my kids and going to bed by 10pm is really driving the men to me. Men are not knocking down my door. So maybe I should try another site. I had already tried Jdate. More than once. But maybe I was limiting myself by only looking at Jewish men. Maybe I could find someone to have a dinner date with, possibly a movie, if I only expand my horizons.

I had waited for the Doctor to come calling but that has not happened and my prospects are all but dried up. So once again, I am filling out ridiculous informative bits about myself for my mesmerizing online profile. What are my favorite places, types of food, things to do in my free time? Should I answer honestly. My favorite place is my bed, sleeping. My favorite food is anything I have not had to cook. And things I like to do in my free time...refer to the question about my favorite places. Or should I play the game. I enjoy long walks on the beach, slow tender kisses and trying new restaurants. Ugh. I guess I will try to make my profile fit somewhere in the middle.

And it's done. I have a free 3 day trial. After that I have to decide whether it is worth it to pay $22 a month. And I wait. But I don't have to wait long. I been winked at. That is code on for a guy who likes your looks but doesn't have the balls to actually email you. And the guy isn't bad looking. Salt and pepper hair, nice physique but really how does one respond to his profile when it reads ' Life is too short and meant to be enjoyed and there's still a lot of life, love and laughter left in mine!!! How about yours??? ' Wow, is that deep. Maybe I am too cynical for this stuff.

But wait, there's more. Someone emailed me. This stuff is fast. I can feel that soon I will be a dating fiend. Thirty minutes into this and I have been winked at and emailed. My hands are shaking as I open the email. This could be it. That start of the new me, a dating woman. And there it is. From MBarry1998. His picture isn't awful. This is good. And look, he is Jewish. I am definitely on a roll. Not bad looking, Jewish, I can't wait to read more. And then I do. And then it all goes dark.

He doesn't like to read. He considers Cape May exotic. He thinks James Taylor is cutting edge. Could it get any worse? Oh yes, it can. MBarry produces a YouTube video for a living. Can you make a living doing that? And the video is of him. He compares himself to Jon Stewart and Larry David. Oh, I am starting to feel sick to my stomach. He asks me in his email to 'holla' back. He actually writes that. And then he decides to add the cherry to the top by including a link to his you tube videos so I can see what he looks like now and in his words ' see if u like my jon stewart/larry davidish thought provoking humor.'

I am horrified. But at the same time it is like a car accident. I can't turn away. I want to click the YouTube link so badly but I am sort of afraid it will turn me off from online dating forever. But how can I not look. Maybe he is funny. Maybe he is just like Jon Stewart and he will make me laugh. I have to look. I have to take a chance. I have to try new things. So I click on the link.

And now I know why there is a reason I am 41 and single.

And if you are so inclined:

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