Monday, June 14, 2010

It ony takes one man.

So I did it. I stalked. I purposely put myself in a situation where I would see the Doctor and he would see me. I primped but looked casual. I prepped but remained calm. Yes there I was perched on the stool waiting for him. No, sadly I was not at a trendy Philadelphia bar or a ultra cool nightclub. I was at my neighbors house, using her dryer because mine broke. But I was also there because the Doctor's son was over for a playdate and any minute now he would be stopping by to pick up his son. And I would wow him with some witty dialogue, knock him out with my come hither stare. And bam...there he was. I waved. Like a freak. Not a good wave. A pathetic hold your hand up in the air, spread your fingers and stiffly jerk it from side to side wave. I waved? What the hell. Why was I waving? I rushed toward him in an attempt to speak in order to make up for the pathetic 'Queen Elizabeth' royal wave. But I was almost plowed over by his son who was anxious to leave. And before I knew it, he had climbed into his overpriced SUV and sped away at 25mph, since that is the speed limit. Mission not accomplished.

But there was always tomorrow. Our sons play baseball and there would be a slight overlap in games so I could again hawk my wares.

I arrived, cute shorts, sporty t-shirt, hair just right. The Doctor's team had finished playing and was snacking. I casually scanned the area for him but he was not in sight. Was I too late? I think so. I comforted myself by checking out the snacks and then I became aware of the chatting behind me. It was like birds chirping. They were all twittering. All the remaining parents, sipping on juice boxes, were frantically gossiping. I had to know. And then one of the women, who knew I had thought about the Doctor, ran over to tell me. The Doctor brought a date to the baseball game. She beamed as she told me this. Clearly she was enjoying this. Note to self, hate this woman forever. But that wasn't the whole of it she screamed. The date, she was a nurse, statuesque, blond, gorgeous and maybe 25 years old. I felt like vomiting all over this woman's shoes as she grinned at me. But instead I pretended to be aghast at such news. A single Doctor with a much younger nurse from his hospital. How could this possibly be? I feigned disgust, said some derogatory things about him and then found a sugary snack to down. I sat on the bleachers. Another man...gone.

But I had to move on. Even when he called me that afternoon to check on plans for the kids carpool, I felt nothing. Of course I didn't call him back right away. Let his young girlfriend drive his kids to camp.

Then there was my father's retirement party. My cousin came with fiance number three. He was a southern man whose accent and white linen pants made him seem very gay. But he was a man who had found my cousin and asked her to marry him. And somehow she had found him online. All I have found was a guy who who describes himself as Ultra Conservative and is looking for woman who would have voted for George Bush for a third term.

And there was my mother, running about the party asking people if they knew any men between the ages of 41-45 who were single and available for her seemingly dating inept daughter. I felt like piece of meat on auction...to the lowest bidder.

A couple of days later my mother called to tell me a friend of hers was separating from her husband. After many, many years of marriage. This poor woman, my mother lamented, her life was such a mess. And of course my mother said no one should tell this woman 'I told you so' because that is just so cruel. Really? When I split up my mother was right there screaming ' Not only did I tell you so, I emailed you so and texted you so!' Then my mother went on to tell me how much weight this woman had lost because she was so depressed. My mother explained to me that normally people lose a lot of weight when they are depressed. Well, most people, she said lose weight.....except me. How did this become about me, as my mother sees it, being an overweight, pathetically single woman in her early forties who may as well just invest in some cat litter?

I am determined now. I will prove my mother wrong. I will find a date. I will date him. I will flaunt him in front of the Doctor. Then the Doctor will realize how fascinating I am, dump his hot 25 year old and beg me to date him. Then I will make him sweat it out. Then I will give in, date him and flaunt him in front of my mother. Then she will concede I am not fat and pathetic.

But, until I can permanently live in my fantasy land, I will be 41 and single.

1 comment:

  1. well darling, I think when you got married, texted wasn't really possible, so if your mother screamed that to you she was wrong (yes we are that old), and I'm sure she is wrong about other things too. Most especially the fat and pathetic part.

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