Monday, June 14, 2010

It ony takes one man.

So I did it. I stalked. I purposely put myself in a situation where I would see the Doctor and he would see me. I primped but looked casual. I prepped but remained calm. Yes there I was perched on the stool waiting for him. No, sadly I was not at a trendy Philadelphia bar or a ultra cool nightclub. I was at my neighbors house, using her dryer because mine broke. But I was also there because the Doctor's son was over for a playdate and any minute now he would be stopping by to pick up his son. And I would wow him with some witty dialogue, knock him out with my come hither stare. And bam...there he was. I waved. Like a freak. Not a good wave. A pathetic hold your hand up in the air, spread your fingers and stiffly jerk it from side to side wave. I waved? What the hell. Why was I waving? I rushed toward him in an attempt to speak in order to make up for the pathetic 'Queen Elizabeth' royal wave. But I was almost plowed over by his son who was anxious to leave. And before I knew it, he had climbed into his overpriced SUV and sped away at 25mph, since that is the speed limit. Mission not accomplished.

But there was always tomorrow. Our sons play baseball and there would be a slight overlap in games so I could again hawk my wares.

I arrived, cute shorts, sporty t-shirt, hair just right. The Doctor's team had finished playing and was snacking. I casually scanned the area for him but he was not in sight. Was I too late? I think so. I comforted myself by checking out the snacks and then I became aware of the chatting behind me. It was like birds chirping. They were all twittering. All the remaining parents, sipping on juice boxes, were frantically gossiping. I had to know. And then one of the women, who knew I had thought about the Doctor, ran over to tell me. The Doctor brought a date to the baseball game. She beamed as she told me this. Clearly she was enjoying this. Note to self, hate this woman forever. But that wasn't the whole of it she screamed. The date, she was a nurse, statuesque, blond, gorgeous and maybe 25 years old. I felt like vomiting all over this woman's shoes as she grinned at me. But instead I pretended to be aghast at such news. A single Doctor with a much younger nurse from his hospital. How could this possibly be? I feigned disgust, said some derogatory things about him and then found a sugary snack to down. I sat on the bleachers. Another man...gone.

But I had to move on. Even when he called me that afternoon to check on plans for the kids carpool, I felt nothing. Of course I didn't call him back right away. Let his young girlfriend drive his kids to camp.

Then there was my father's retirement party. My cousin came with fiance number three. He was a southern man whose accent and white linen pants made him seem very gay. But he was a man who had found my cousin and asked her to marry him. And somehow she had found him online. All I have found was a guy who who describes himself as Ultra Conservative and is looking for woman who would have voted for George Bush for a third term.

And there was my mother, running about the party asking people if they knew any men between the ages of 41-45 who were single and available for her seemingly dating inept daughter. I felt like piece of meat on the lowest bidder.

A couple of days later my mother called to tell me a friend of hers was separating from her husband. After many, many years of marriage. This poor woman, my mother lamented, her life was such a mess. And of course my mother said no one should tell this woman 'I told you so' because that is just so cruel. Really? When I split up my mother was right there screaming ' Not only did I tell you so, I emailed you so and texted you so!' Then my mother went on to tell me how much weight this woman had lost because she was so depressed. My mother explained to me that normally people lose a lot of weight when they are depressed. Well, most people, she said lose weight.....except me. How did this become about me, as my mother sees it, being an overweight, pathetically single woman in her early forties who may as well just invest in some cat litter?

I am determined now. I will prove my mother wrong. I will find a date. I will date him. I will flaunt him in front of the Doctor. Then the Doctor will realize how fascinating I am, dump his hot 25 year old and beg me to date him. Then I will make him sweat it out. Then I will give in, date him and flaunt him in front of my mother. Then she will concede I am not fat and pathetic.

But, until I can permanently live in my fantasy land, I will be 41 and single.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Mitch Bytes

Memorial day weekend. Sun and fun at the beach. And of course a text from my high school crush. It had only been about five months since I had heard from him and texting is his preferred way of communicating. After a brief back and forth about his weekend and how awesome it was, I decided I had enough. The best way to cut him off? Send him a text telling him that I was around all summer if he wanted to get together. Suddenly my phone is silenced. He was gone. Frightened away. I think I might be his virtual girlfriend. But really, do I need that?

Then my cousin got engaged...again. This will be wedding number three. Three men who at one time wanted to be married to her. And of course my mother found a way to turn this into a rant about how my cousin can date, why can't I? She insisted I call my cousin to say congratulations. 'And do it soon' is what she said. So I called my cousin, "Congrats on your third engagement'. And then I knew it was a set up. Instantly my cousin was telling me how she met her fiance on and how wonderful online dating was and how I should jump right in. I stopped her dead in her tracks. Had she been put up to this? She confessed. Mother. The woman is unstoppable.

But maybe there is something there. I mean it is not as if my plan of working, hanging out with my kids and going to bed by 10pm is really driving the men to me. Men are not knocking down my door. So maybe I should try another site. I had already tried Jdate. More than once. But maybe I was limiting myself by only looking at Jewish men. Maybe I could find someone to have a dinner date with, possibly a movie, if I only expand my horizons.

I had waited for the Doctor to come calling but that has not happened and my prospects are all but dried up. So once again, I am filling out ridiculous informative bits about myself for my mesmerizing online profile. What are my favorite places, types of food, things to do in my free time? Should I answer honestly. My favorite place is my bed, sleeping. My favorite food is anything I have not had to cook. And things I like to do in my free time...refer to the question about my favorite places. Or should I play the game. I enjoy long walks on the beach, slow tender kisses and trying new restaurants. Ugh. I guess I will try to make my profile fit somewhere in the middle.

And it's done. I have a free 3 day trial. After that I have to decide whether it is worth it to pay $22 a month. And I wait. But I don't have to wait long. I been winked at. That is code on for a guy who likes your looks but doesn't have the balls to actually email you. And the guy isn't bad looking. Salt and pepper hair, nice physique but really how does one respond to his profile when it reads ' Life is too short and meant to be enjoyed and there's still a lot of life, love and laughter left in mine!!! How about yours??? ' Wow, is that deep. Maybe I am too cynical for this stuff.

But wait, there's more. Someone emailed me. This stuff is fast. I can feel that soon I will be a dating fiend. Thirty minutes into this and I have been winked at and emailed. My hands are shaking as I open the email. This could be it. That start of the new me, a dating woman. And there it is. From MBarry1998. His picture isn't awful. This is good. And look, he is Jewish. I am definitely on a roll. Not bad looking, Jewish, I can't wait to read more. And then I do. And then it all goes dark.

He doesn't like to read. He considers Cape May exotic. He thinks James Taylor is cutting edge. Could it get any worse? Oh yes, it can. MBarry produces a YouTube video for a living. Can you make a living doing that? And the video is of him. He compares himself to Jon Stewart and Larry David. Oh, I am starting to feel sick to my stomach. He asks me in his email to 'holla' back. He actually writes that. And then he decides to add the cherry to the top by including a link to his you tube videos so I can see what he looks like now and in his words ' see if u like my jon stewart/larry davidish thought provoking humor.'

I am horrified. But at the same time it is like a car accident. I can't turn away. I want to click the YouTube link so badly but I am sort of afraid it will turn me off from online dating forever. But how can I not look. Maybe he is funny. Maybe he is just like Jon Stewart and he will make me laugh. I have to look. I have to take a chance. I have to try new things. So I click on the link.

And now I know why there is a reason I am 41 and single.

And if you are so inclined: