Saturday night for the single and 41 year old woman is a non-stop thrill ride. Soup is hot, sparkling water is cold and television DVR is chock full of mediocre television procedurals with surprise endings. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Ok, to some of you it probably sounds like heaven. But you are the ones who are having sex on a regular basis, or at least could be if you weren't so damn tired from work and the kids. So this is it. Without a date, it is me, the dog and the television.
So where are the dates?
Well the boy I am obsessed with still refuses to 'friend' me on FaceBook. FaceBook is like the cyber version of high school. The popular kids are still all friends and they are able to keep you out of their little club by ignoring you. The boys you like are there but if they 'friend' you does that mean they like you as more than a friend? And if they don't 'friend' you, can you convince yourself it is because you are so strong and amazing that they are afraid of you? You sure can try.
The Healer called me once but I couldn't pick up the phone because my kids were fighting over a place mat. He listened to my voice mail but didn't leave a message and he has not called back. Is my voice so hideous that it is enough to turn off even The Healer? Did he sense my cynicism toward his profession and my mocking of his healing hands just by listening to me say 'please leave a message'? Did he 'google' me and find some terrible picture on the web of me from the 80's with my Flock of Seagulls hair-do? And see, that makes me want him to call even more so that I can go out with him and have him explain to me how he can mold my muscles into any shape I choose. What amazes me is I have managed to drive away a man without even having any contact with him at all. That has to be some kind accomplishment.
So how do I find a date? At work....well I can't date the students, it is just all wrong. Perhaps in the movies it is exciting to see the older female Professor seducing her younger naive but surprisingly masculine student but in reality it is the sort of thing that is frowned upon. And honestly, the boys, and yes I use the word boys because it is appropriate, the boys I teach are soooo not for me. While some have that Zac Efron, I could just jump all over you look, they then open their mouths and oh what comes out is such a turn off. I know some of you are saying, 'but you aren't with them for their brains' but really at some point you do have to talk to them.
So how about meeting men through friends. So far one gay man in the closet and a healer who hasn't called me. Not good. And I don't think it is at all possible that none of my friends know a single man. I just have a feeling that they don't know they know a single man or that they don't want to get involved. You know it is always horrible to be the one setting up a couple and to have it go all wrong. Both parties start to wonder why they were set up with each other and what their mutual friend saw in them. It can all go very bad indeed. But it can also go very right or at least fairly mediocre which means I wouldn't have moved on to the single serve piece of chocolate cake from the grocery store while watching a design show on HGTV on a Saturday night.
Of course there is always my mother's solution. Basically it starts this way. First she tells me I have to lose a lot of weight before anyone will even look at me. She mentions over and over how she is so thin now that she needs to take in all her pants. Then she gives me her old pants and tells me she knows I can't fit in them now, but maybe someday I can use them. Then she spends some time telling me that she doesn't know what I was thinking when I married my husband. What was wrong with me? Couldn't I see the things she saw? And she is not sure about my judgement if I was so blind to all of this. And she would like to talk to me about my parenting skills but instead she will focus on the fact that I don't wear enough make up to attract a decent man. If I would just put on some eye make up and mascara more often, I would easily attract men. Shazam! So all it takes is some smokey eyes and lip gloss and the men will come flocking. Hold on, I'll be right back.
Ok, eyes shadowed and lips glossed. Hmmmm....nothing yet.
But really my mother thinks the answer to all my dating issues can be solved if I would just join JDate. For those of you non-Jews, JDate is the Jewish online dating site. My mother claims she has been to countless weddings of people who met on JDate. Of course when pressed to name one of those blissfully wedded friends, she draws a blank. But my mother, who can barely download music onto her ipod without help, tells me JDate is the answer to all my woes. So I sign up and post my profile. I debate over photos. Should I put more than one? Does that open me to too much scrutiny? How do I describe my body type, proportional, athletic/fit, or the always enticing medium build. I know my mother would describe me as 'working on it'.
After completing the ridiculous profile which includes questions like 'Describe you perfect date' - Ummmm...he calls, shows up, isn't crazy, hideous or neurotic, we have sex and he calls me again. Ok, so no, I did not answer it that way. I said something like, a romantic candle lit dinner with good conversation that I hope will never end. You may gag now. But after completing and posting my profile and signing up for a month's subscription, I wait for the dates to pour in.
First guy is a 23 year old law student who tells me my eyes are deep. What? Next guy calls himself 'The Patriot' and tells me is incredibly passionate about the Constitution. He thought we could get together and talk about it. Well, that is tempting. The next guy seems ok. Not gorgeous but has a good job, two kids and is separated. We talk online and it is going well until he tells me his estranged wife still lives with him and they have no plans to physically separate. Oh. Finally I connect with a guy who is a lawyer for the City of Philadelphia, divorced, two kids. Not bad looking. We make a date.
We meet in a public place. A restaurant/bar near me. His profile says he is 5' 11" 180 pounds. I arrive, look around. And there he is at the bar. He stands up and I almost look eye to eye with him. I am 5' 3". Look I have no problem with men who are not much taller than me. I don't like men who lie on their profiles thinking I won't notice the 6" discrepancy. The conversation is flat, the beer grows warm, I am not impressed. I don't return his call after the date. Eventually after several men who are not worth mentioning contact me I discontinue my subscription. Later I learn from a single friend that the same men have been trolling the site since she became a member four years ago.
Suddenly Saturday night at home with some chocolate cake and Law & Order is looking pretty good. Although if you know a man who is single, think of me. After all, I am 41 and single.